


Fractured Desert

by Calliope141



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Abandonment, Anxiety, Child Neglect, Depression, Dreams and Nightmares, Gen, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 16:52:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13369026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calliope141/pseuds/Calliope141
Summary: Tony has always had nightmares for a lot of reasons.This is really hard to summarize.I am my own beta so any mistakes are my own.This work goes up to the first Avengers movie. Let me know if you think it is worth continuing.





	Fractured Desert

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think the work is triggering, but, just in case, I am letting everyone know that this work talks about abandonment issues, child neglect, depression, anxiety and other potentially depressing issues.

I remember when I was five…maybe six, I first had a dream that I would have off and on for years. I was in a desert, beautiful and desolate, bare of life. I was alone and running, from what I do not know. While I ran the desert behind me started to crack like ice showing clear blue water beneath; the cracks caught up to me and I fell into the water and started to drown calling for my father to save me, but he never came. I screamed myself raw until no sound came out and he still did not come. He never came for me, and I went under into stillness and silence. 

Howard always talked about Captain America. He told me how courageous, kind and loyal he was; I should aspire to be like Captain America. He was a hero in every sense of the word; the best man he had ever known. When I dreamed my desert dream, I started to call out for Captain America instead of Howard. He never came for me either.

When I was five, Stark industries found a Hydra base in the arctic long after everyone assumed Steve Rogers was dead and long after the Tesseract was found. Hydra was looking for Captain America; they thought he might be alive. After that I rarely saw my father until his death years later. My father left to search, and never really came back.

Two things happened when I was seven. I built my first motorbike engine and I realized that my father felt the same for me that he did for any machine; I was there for a purpose, to be the Stark legacy, and I would be a fool to expect any more regard than that. Stark men are made of iron. I was expected to excel; no challenge was too great that a Stark could not prevail. I was told that I could not disappoint him; that I needed to make him proud; that I was his greatest creation. That night and for several nights after, I dreamed I was buried alive. I couldn’t breathe; I kept choking on the dirt. I tried to scream, but that made the choking worse. No one heard me, and I couldn’t breathe

I dreamed that there was a pirate on my bedroom wall when I was eight. He was two dimensional and stuck to the wall like a painting, but he was alive, and he laughed horribly. He moved and had a cruel hook in the place of one of hands. I knew he would get me if I walked past him, but I had to walk past in order to leave my bedroom. It wasn’t until later that I realized the pirate looked a lot like Howard.

At nine, I dreamed that there were thousands of meat eating insects all over the floor of my room like little insect piranha. I was terrified of them, and I could imagine them crawling all over me and tearing into my flesh. I thought that if I waited they would go way, but they didn’t so I decided that I had to stay on my bed and be very quiet, so they would not swarm and eat me. At first, they stayed on the floor, but eventually they swarmed the bed. I am pretty sure there is a message in there somewhere.

When I went to boarding school for the first time, I dreamed I was back at home. At first, I was in the kitchen with Jarvis. I was happy and felt like I belonged there, but eventually the scene started feeling wrong and I was in the kitchen at my school. Jarvis was gone, replaced by the older boys at school that liked to bully me. I ran outside and tried to walk home, but I couldn’t find the way no matter where I turned. I was hopelessly lost in a landscape both familiar and foreign, just wrong enough to make me feel extremely anxious. I was lost, and I couldn’t find my way home; I am not sure I know my way even now and that anxious feeling has never really gone away.

I graduated from M.I.T. at seventeen. I was the youngest person at my graduation; neither of my parents showed up. Howard was in the Arctic and never even noticed the day; mother sent a graduation gift and her love. That night, I had no dreams that I remember, and I could barely get out of bed the next day. I felt nothing, numb and weighed down. I had no interest in anything. Rhodey dragged me out of bed and took me to his parent’s house. I plastered on a newsreel smile and pretended to feel normal. I am always pretending these days; I don’t know how to stop

In December of 1991, I went to two funerals and dreamed of fractured desert.

For some reason, I always associate deserts with water, but Afghanistan started and ended with fire. When I got home, I dreamed of water in the desert, batteries and pain. I woke up screaming; no one can hear me, but I never really stopped.  
Pepper is my rock; the only person in this world that I trust without reservation. She is all I have; she says the same of me. She deserves better than this.

I had the fractured desert dream again. I went to Obie’s funeral. I didn’t want to, but appearances are more important than ever now that Stark Industries no longer makes weapons. I don’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I wear a mask all the time now. I don’t even know what is under it anymore.

Stark men are made of iron; If Howard was to be believed, we are not supposed to feel at all; Howard was always cold and calculating. There are days that I feel nothing except weighed down and numb, but I don’t think that is what Howard meant. Other days I feel an unexplainable euphoria. I let go on those days. I feel out of control, but good. I feel good so infrequently. If I am going to die, I really want to feel good before I do. Palladium poisoning is a bad way to go.

I have learned several things. Aliens are real and some of them are scary bastards. Asgard is real and so are the Norse gods. They are not really gods, they are aliens, but they exist. But the most important thing I learned is that Captain America is kind of a dick, well maybe not entirely. He did lighten up at the end there, but he is not what I expected from Howard’s stories. The truth is that I find it hard to be fair to him. I associate him with Howard. I know it is not fair, but I can’t seem to separate my history from the man right in front of me.

I have been dreaming a lot lately. Now I dream I am being swarmed, but not by small meat eating insects. Now I am being swarmed by aliens while I am alone in a vast darkness. I dream of the dead, the dying and the lost, of hopelessness and despair. I fear for the future of us all; I must act to protect people. It is no longer about my guilt or redemption; it isn’t about me at all. I put on a newsreel smile and pretend a confidence I do not feel. I hide my fear behind a seamless mask and do my best to act. Stark men are made of iron, but behind my mask I am a fractured desert. It will have to be enough.


End file.
